I don’t think there’s a greater time of year for perfectionism to rear it’s ugly head than during the holidays. Social media is filled with posts of parties, family photos, beautifully decorated houses and trees, perfectly wrapped presents and so much more.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the “I’m not enoughness” of it all.

I have spent many years in that place and let me tell you, it was cold, lonely and bitterly depressing. I was in a race to cross a finish line that didn’t exist. As soon as I felt as if I had nailed it, there was someone else who had done it better.

The holidays used to seriously stress me out. I felt overwhelmed from about mid-November through January 1st. It felt like there was no time to enjoy anything because there was so much to do. 

Because deep down, I didn’t believe I was enough.

And yet, no matter what I did, I was always so aware of the others around me who were doing it better. We are more connected as a society than we have ever been in history. This has so many amazing plus sides but also has its pitfalls too. Every day, we see the highlight reel of so many of our friends lives. We generally only see their best moments. Their spotless houses. Their perfectly dressed kids. Their gorgeous family photos. For so long, this made me feel so inferior. I felt it deep down. I wasn’t good enough. My kids deserved better. My husband deserved better. So I kept racing for that magical finish line of perfection. The only problem is that it doesn’t exist. I’ve honestly never felt lonelier than those days.

Then, I started to wake up…

I started to recognize those negative feelings within me. I started to question my whole belief system around perfectionism. Why does it have to look like my life is perfect when in fact, it isn’t? I was striving for something that didn’t ever feel good. It probably never felt good for my family either.

These days, I am very aware of my internal compass (see post here). It gives me physical signs and symptoms when something’s not in alignment. So I have to ask over and over again: Does it really need to be like this? Where did this belief come from? Is it serving me? Do I need it? What do I need to do to get rid of it?

I especially can’t stand the feeling of overwhelm.

When overwhelm pops up and I’m able to catch it, I ask myself “what needs to change in order for this feeling to go away?” 9 times out of 10, it has more to do with the thoughts in my head than changing the things going on around me.

For example, I used to watch the kids make their gingerbread houses and stress the entire time. I worried about the mess they were making and how to get it cleaned up. I’m sure I worried about what the houses looked like. I got angry when they fought because I felt it was my job to get them to behave nicely. I felt guilty if I wasn’t fully participating in the activity. I felt stressed because it was taking away from the million other things that had to be done to prepare for my perfect Christmas. I completely missed the magic of letting the kids just be kids and instead tried to control everything. I’m sure they noticed and it probably wasn’t even as fun for them with mommy hanging on them like a crazy woman.

As it so happens, the kids decorated their gingerbread house this past weekend. It’s become a tradition and the kids love it. They still fight. They still make a huge mess. Sure, those thoughts may still linger in the background noise of my head but I no longer let them take control of me. I am now able to take a step out of my head and watch those thoughts. And every time I’m able to watch a thought, it allows me the opportunity to question it.

So here are 5 tips that I’ve integrated into my life to avoid (or at least manage) holiday anxiety:

1. Saying yes to everything doesn’t serve anyone.

When I’m not able to give 100% of myself, everyone suffers, especially me. I spent the majority of my life being a people pleaser. I said yes to everyone and everything. The holidays just magnify this need because there are parties, events, and activities that pop up daily. The holidays really are magical but if we pack them full of activities, baking, parties, etc, there’s no time to actually sit back and enjoy the magic. It’s ok to say no.

2. I had to learn to let go of the outcome and to trust and enjoy the process.

Everything in life is a journey, not a destination. Most of my stress came from the need to control everything. I again had these perfectly scripted movies in my head (see previous post here) down to every last detail. Here’s the problem, I have 4 children and a husband. None of them saw my movie and usually didn’t want any part in it. They wanted the control of their own life, not for me to control theirs. It was a losing cycle.

3. The magic of the holidays only happens when I experience the holidays.

To really experience something, I have to be fully present mentally, not just physically present. When my mind is too busy stressing, worrying or planning, I’m completely missing everything that’s happening in this moment around me. All I will ever have in my life is this exact moment right now. I will never have tomorrow or be able to go back to yesterday. It’s now. It’s only now. And it will only ever be now. The beauty is here. The magic is here. The love is here. The gratitude is here. The joy is here. Right now.

4. Perfection is that magical unicorn that doesn’t even exist.

Our culture has us believing that perfection is real. If we somehow achieve it, then we in fact are enough and therefore good mothers, parents, families, etc. The better my outside world looked, the worse my inside felt. I was a fraud, a fake. Until the day I woke up and questioned this belief. Do I need this in order to be enough? To be a good mom? How are these beliefs serving me? I think we all intellectually know that the answer to all of these questions is no. I started observing other moms. These moms were desperate for validation. Validation that having a messy car was ok. Or that their child’s meltdowns were normal. These exterior things have zero reflection on who any of us are as a spiritual being. But when our deepest beliefs reflect feelings of unworthiness and not enoughness, we need to find ways to overcome it. So we look outside of ourselves to fill the void. But in reality, it feels like we are all hiding behind this mask of perfection yet we are all dying to be shed from the unrealistic pressures of it. Sure, I love taking my car to the carwash. Getting it vacuumed is amazing. I believe there’s energy in our spaces and keeping them tidy carries a better energy than keeping them dirty. But, my worth as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, as a human, should never, ever be tied to my ability to keep things perfect all the time. When my deepest beliefs reflect that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am enough, I’m able to set myself free from these self-imposed rules of perfectionism and am therefore free to be me.

5. I have to accept the is-ness of every situation.

 What does that mean? Meltdowns will happen. The kids will spill milk. Someone might get sick at the worst possible moment. The delivery man might lose the most important package. My car might break down. Life happens. I have zero control of these external situations. What I do have control over is my reaction to them.

So when I really started embracing these changes, the craziest thing started to happen: I actually had a Merry Christmas! I experienced fun, joy and peace… all the things the holidays are supposed to bring without all of the other noise that I willingly brought upon myself. It was actually magical!

What are your tools to manage stress during the holidays?